do you want your toddler to barrel roll down a flight of stairs with ease? how about crab walk off concrete porch stairs while playing outside? or face-plant it from the height of a children's plastic bus? if you answered yes to any of these questions, call the coombs' toddler stunt double school today! we have two on-site trainers, medical personnel, and a guinea pig who has already tried and tested each stunt so that we have perfected it for your own child!
the barrel roll: starting at the top of 15 carpeted stairs, your child will learn how to "walk" unsupervised downstairs without the aid of a bannister or railing. within 2-3 stairs, your child will naturally fall from the bipedal position to the barrel roll, and continue his/her journey to the bottom of the flight of stairs. The barrel roll has proven so successful (vs. the head-over-heels method) that your child will lie at the bottom of the staircase dazed, scared, and crying, but unscathed. we will strip your child down to the diaper to fully examine limbs, joints, and soft areas for bruises, fractures, or (heaven forbid) breaks. If your child is anything like ours, the barrel method will prove successful once again and your child will be up and reading books and naming body parts 60 seconds after the spill.
the crab walk: this move includes only two stairs, but it is outside, and they are concrete, not carpeted. your child must love throwing a tennis ball from the front porch down the walkway, and then crab walk from the porch down the stairs to the walkway, and run after the ball. this move is best accomplished when wearing a newly-purchased, somewhat large pair of shoes that are still a little clunky. having learned the barrel roll down the stairs wasn't quite so fun, your child may learn that crab walking down the stairs is a slightly better method. however, when adding the newly-purchased, somewhat large pair of shoes that are still a little clunky, your child will very quickly learn that even crab walking will result in a spill. multiple scenarios are foreseen, but the best case spill is when the child catches himself mouth-and-nose-first on the concrete and your husband rushes your child inside screaming with a bloody mouth and fat lip. this is where our medical personnel will expertly step in. most mouth injuries are very bloody because of the thousands of blood vessels there, and all they need is a good rinsing with cold water. the trained medical expert will rinse out your child's mouth, examine gums/teeth/lips/etc. to verify there is no lasting damage, find a binkie, and cuddle him to sleep for a good nap. later in the day, we will be playing throw-the-ball-and-crab-walk-after-it again.
the face-plant: this move requires equipment. more specifically, a plastic bus purchased on clearance from a cheap department store with a 3 foot piece of stereo cable tied to it to pull it along the sidewalk. it is best to purchase this cheap toy because they really aren't designed as an outdoor toy, and especially tying a "rope" onto it as a pulling device that wasn't originally there will make this toy even more prone to tipping over. tip-overs can occur on sidewalks, paved roads, hills, and even flat ground. be sure to have your child wear his/her favorite pair of sun glasses while riding the bus. some kids are naturals, and others may need to be instructed to be sure to--no matter what--never let go of the steering wheel, even when tipping. if they were to let go of the steering wheel, this may result in catching themselves with their hands, and they would completely miss the chance to face-plant it, breaking their sunglasses and getting a mini-goose-egg above their eye.
these experiences can all be yours--within a time frame of a few short weeks--but you must call now! toddlers grow quickly, and it's a very small window that you can capitalize on their awkward stumblings! **
**we would attach a testimonial here, but our guinea pig was busy nursing his fat lip...
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