365 days

maybe i didn't pee long enough.

maybe i tried the pee stick test too early.  i'll try again tomorrow.  or maybe tonight.  twelve hours will make a difference, right?

maybe if i buy those really expensive digital pregnancy tests, it'll work better.  i'll have to get some of those next time i'm out.

a friend and i coincidentally happened to be trying to get pregnant at the same time.  this month, last year.  with the brightest optimism i jokingly said, "ok, the race is on!"  i didn't know it yet, but she was already pregnant.  and i would spend every month for the next twelve months peeing on a home pregnancy test at least 4 times, just to make sure i really wasn't pregnant.    i have since offered congratulations to i don't know how many couples on their great news, watched so many new moms hold their squishy newborn bundles--and i really mean the congratulations, i am happy for them, and i don't feel bitterness at all--just sort of hollow and sad and i just wonder how and why announcements seem to be coming so easily for someone else and not us.  

my heart gets a little heavier each month.

i realize trying to get pregnant for one year is a drop in the bucket for some couples when discussing fertility issues.  i also realize i am very fortunate to never have experienced--to my knowledge--a miscarriage.  i have had friends and family members who have put more years, struggle, effort, and heartache into having just one child.  but i still cried leaving the dr's office, after he looked at me quizzically when i told him i have two children, and he told me i just feel this way because we live in utah county where everyone has babies.  lots of babies.

i am pretty sure i would feel this way even if we lived in kentucky.

and, after my most recent surprising tear-laden outburst, i knew i needed to cathartically write to get it out of my head:  i attended a baptism on saturday.  one of my friend's little girls was getting baptized.  she just had a baby in december, and he was a little fussy, so she took him out in the hallway.  i quickly went out to ask if i could hold him for her so she could sit in on her daughter's baptism.  she smiled her generous smile and said, "oh, it's ok!  we have 8 kids, you know--we'll be doing this a lot more!"  and, for whatever reason (because i know she didn't mean anything by it--i don't think she even knows that we've been trying to get pregnant), hearing those words out loud combined with a newborn's cries struck my heart and i started uncontrollably sobbing after i sat back down.

i had two dreams a little over a year ago.  i know most dreams are subconscious nonsense.  but i also know sometimes dreams are messages.  my patriarchal blessing says i "will have visions and dreams and know the promptings of the spirit".  i have had many dreams that, i believe, have been direct promptings, guidance, answers, and personal revelation.  i always said 3 kids was my tops, and to have more than that, i'd have to get struck by a lightning bolt.  in the first dream we already had three children.  i am talking to someone and tell them "oh, no, we aren't done yet.  we'll do one more."  the next night i had another dream:  we are in the labor and delivery room, i am in full delivery mode/outfit/legs up in stirrups, david at my side, and the doctor grins broadly, holding up a fresh, newborn baby, and says, "it's another boy!"

armed with these two dreams, i called all the friends i had given baby clothes and maternity clothes to (because, after having max, i swore i was done and wanted nothing to do with those clothes again), and asked for them in return.  i bought a few more pieces i was sure i would be using in just a few months' time.  i was sure i would be holding a newborn by january 2015 and we would be a family of five.  then that first month passed.

in may i went to the temple.  the person's last name that was given me for the session was the name we want to name a little boy.  this person's date of birth was in february.  "if i were pregnant right now," i thought, counting down the months on my fingers, "we would be having this baby in february!"  i left feeling happy, confident, and sure.  my period started just after that.  my mom said, "we can find signs wherever we want them, can't we?"  "i guess so," i said, downing a pint of ben&jerry's chocolate therapy.

my brothers suggested we take a family vacation january or february 2015.  my very first thought was, "but what if i'm huge and pregnant and can't fly somewhere?" (because this girl doesn't do dainty pregnancies...it's always a whopping 60 pounds for me, despite watching what i eat and exercising) or "what if i have a newborn?--i'm not traveling with an unvaccinated newborn!"  my older brother said i shouldn't avoid planning something in the future based on something that may or may not happen now.  i knew he was right, but i still wanted him to be wrong.  i wanted my realistic, rational side to be wrong.

each month i reconciled myself to, instead of having the january baby like i originally thought, a "valentine's baby," a "march of ides" baby, "sharing april with papa jay" baby, a "mother's day" baby, an "oh no, not another june baby--it'll be a busy month!"  somewhere in the middle of those months pace offered the bedtime prayer.  he said "thank you for the baby."  my heart jumped a little, and i asked him "what baby?"  'the one just over there."  "max is over there.  do you mean max?"  "um, yes."  i secretly hoped that meant he could see something heavenly i maybe could not.

in july i finally saw an orthopedic surgeon about my knee i hurt in january (not from running, just being a klutz), and he diagnosed a torn meniscus and recommended surgery.  due to a planned vacation to montana/yellowstone with the coombs family in august, we decided on surgery in september.  "great news!"  i joked to my brothers, "i have a torn meniscus and need surgery, and the dr. said no pregnancy allowed!--so i won't be fat and prego for our family vacay!"  inside i was starting to wonder if something was wrong.

during this time we also put our house up for sale.  the first week of november we moved into our "in between home", as the boys called the four-plex apartment we moved into.  we packed enough for 6 months, to last us until we figured out what was happening--building, or buying a new house--and the rest we threw into storage.  i packed two boxes labeled "maternity".  in the stress of wondering if everything would even fit in the apartment, david said, "do you really need this stuff?  can't we just put it in storage?"  my heart cried a little bit, even though i knew what he meant, and i knew he didn't mean anything heartbreaking towards me at all.  "yes, i do.  i might.  soon."  i replied.

i also received a new calling at church.  at the very end of the setting apart blessing, after all the "churchy" stuff pertaining to the calling, president prete paused and then said, "as you sacrifice, serve, and be diligent, the Lord will hear and answer your prayer.  He will answer your request."  at the end of the meeting he shook my hand and said, "you're going to have to tell me what that means one day."  i keep hoping to tell him good news before we move.  but then the realist side of me creeps in and i just imagine myself talking to him, in tears, still empty.

a couple months after that was when the doubts started creeping in.

it's because of all those years i said i never wanted children, at all (because if david and i got divorced, children would make everything messy.  that's simply the realistic mentality you have when that's how you grew up).
it's because i made us wait so long because i wasn't ready--i didn't have my first until 30.  i'm turning 35 in june, and now it's just too late.
it's because i yell at my kids too much; i'm not patient enough; i don't play or laugh with them enough.
it's because of all those times i looked in the mirror and hated being fat and pregnant (i would give anything to be 60 pounds heavier, carrying a little one around again--i can viscerally feel it)
it's because i complained the entire time i was pregnant with max, "i am never doing this again." "david, do you seriously want me looking like this again?!"
it's because i hated the pain i was in from my slipped disc, and i swore i was done.
it's because i felt so urgent about getting pregnant with max--literal urgency--i thought it was because there was someone just super ready to come down to our family...but what if i felt that urgency because that was the last of my eggs, and i'm all dried up now.

i thought about someone i knew a while ago--she shared her experience of being on her mission and having a prompting that she would one day experience infertility.  they got pregnant right away with their first little boy, and then got pregnant back to back with their second.  and then she went through years of trying for another.  "secondary infertility" is what they called it.  they ended up doing ivf and had another little boy.  i thought, "but i never had that prompting.  i was never told i may one day have difficulty getting pregnant.  we got pregnant with pace before saying the word go, and max only took 2-3 months. why is this happening to me?"

i think we spend so much time and energy and effort preventing pregnancy when it isn't convenient for us, that we sort of expect we're super fertile, and it'll happen immediately, when it is convenient for us.  we forget about the biology of it.  sometimes things line up perfectly, miraculously easily, the first time, and other times, it's a fallen world, and fallen things happen, and nothing meets up, for months or years on end.  i don't know what's worse:  having an official diagnosis why things aren't working out, or having no explanation at all, a blankness, a doctor shrugging his shoulders, because after all the preliminary bloodwork and "time-sensitive tests" come back "within normal ranges", there isn't a reason why biology can't miraculously work in our favor, and sperm meet egg.

i would like to apologize (but not really) to two innocent techs that i sort of took my heartbreak out on:

early one saturday morning i was speeding over to the hospital before my run to drop off a "time-sensitive" specimen.  i had 20 minutes to get it there, register, and get the test going before it would be too late.  i felt harried, emotionally and mentally, and i was hoping for something of this test.  i was in this hurry-up-and-get-there state when i rushed into the hospital doors, 10-12 minutes down on the countdown, and found a totally empty hospital floor.  no one.  no one at the greeter's desk, no one at registration, no one in the outpatient lab when i ran down the hallway.  i knew there was an internal lab i needed to get to (remembering from my days working as a medical assistant and i'd have to run a lab there during after-hours), but i couldn't remember where it was.  18 minutes down.  i finally ran over to the er and saw no one at that registration desk.  what the heck??!!  i finally knocked on the window of the only (wo)manned desk and told the lady i had a time-sensitive test i had to drop off at the lab.  "oh, it's just down the other hallway by registration."  "no, i've already been there, and no one is in the lab.  is there another internal lab i need to get to?"  "no, let me show you."  s-l-o-w-e-s-t lady on earth.  we walked down the hallway to the still-empty outpatient lab and she told me to stay there and wait, because if the tech were going to be gone for a while, she would have left a note on the door.  and there was no note, so she must be returning shortly.  i proceeded to watch my "window" blow to smithereens as i waited another 10 minutes for that tech to return to the lab, carrying a plate of doughnuts and milk.  "oh, so sorry!  i had to get breakfast!  i was hungry!"  ummmmmm...yeah, that's why you are supposed to eat before your shift starts, not clock in and then hit up the cafeteria doughnut buffet, right??!!  after holding up my paper bag, knowing it was too late, and feeling defeated in heart, mind, and soul, she led me down the hallway and around the corner to the internal lab.  and then the final blow, "oh, we don't run those tests on the weekend; the tech doesn't work on saturdays.  didn't the dr's office explain what you needed to do?"  "no, no they didn't."  seriously?  how hard is it to suck up the specimen in a pipette and push a button on the machine that actually runs the test??!!  are you telling me only one tech in the whole lab is trained to do that?!  she pushed a paper towards me, circling the times monday-friday we could drop off a specimen, saying that mornings were best and 8am is when the lab opens.  having had enough, and feeling helpless because i had no idea how we were going to make it work during the week when david has to be at work at 8, i finally looked at her, trying to trade my trembling voice for my best mean, icy one, and said, "well, we've been trying for a year; i guess one more month won't hurt...enjoy your doughnuts."

we've also been trying to get lab results back from our dr's office we had done two weeks ago.  i can't tell you how many times i've called and left messages asking for the nurse to call me back, saying they would call later that day, and the work day ending with no return call to me or to david.  i guess life could go on and we could keep on trying, results or no results, but you kind of want to know what's going on.  apparently last week was a hard week for someone to call back with results because it was spring break.  i don't really know what that means.  i worked for ten years as a medical assistant and don't recall getting a "spring break".  and if one of the dr's from the office was out of town due to vacation, another dr. would review the results so we could contact the patients.  at my wit's end yesterday, i finally called the office and told the receptionist i was very sorry my menstrual cycle didn't coincide with spring break, but i wanted to know results before "the week" was here, and know if trying would even be worth it.  she immediately patched me through to a nurse, who told me everything was "within normal ranges."  "ok.  thanks for your time."

carrying an emotional burden around changes you.  it changes how you think of things--yourself, namely; it changes how you perceive things and interact with your world; it changes your relationships with people; you react to things in ways you never thought you'd react.  maybe in a subconscious effort to control the stress, and maybe just because this is a human thing to do, but i think we end up looking for "signs" or "reasons" as to why things work out so cleanly, or aren't working out at all, despite our hopes and dreams, and promptings we have received.

i've learned over this year that the "signs" or "reasons" don't matter.  they simply don't.  one of two things happen:
1. we end up (falsely) placing our faith in that sign/reason instead of the original prompting.  'oh, it's ok that we didn't get pregnant because Heavenly Father knew about my torn meniscus and that i'd need surgery.'  (that sounds so ridiculous, seeing it written out like that).  and then we (falsely) feel good because everything is neatly explained and all loose ends are tied up and there's a bow on top.
2. we end up doubting ourselves and the original feeling or prompting we had.  {see list of doubts above.}
either way, we stop believing in the original prompting, and we instead believe the "reasons" or the doubts.

at the most recent general conference, elder clayton said "belief and testimony and faith are not passive principles.  they do not just happen to us.  belief is something we choose--we hope for it, we work for it, and we sacrifice for it.  we will not accidentally come to believe in the Savior and His gospel any more than we will accidentally pray or pay tithing.  we actively choose to believe, just like we choose to keep other commandments."

so i am going to choose to believe my Savior.  even though it's really hard because i can't see and i don't understand and i don't have answers, i am going to choose to believe the original prompting that our family is not done.  i am going to choose to believe the Lord promised to answer my request.  i am going to choose to believe in the chance of something happening.

why don't we talk about this more?  in the end, i hope we can help each other believe.