The first couple weeks of February were a whirlwind. In the middle of interviewing for a part-time MA position at an Urgent Care, going in for 3 days of training and working 3 shifts, we also had a couple car issues we had to take care of. This was one of the simpler ones: changing the oil. The oil place had a fish tank that keep the boys busy. Pace loves carrying around his notebook for notes, observations, and sketches. He said he wanted to draw the fish, but didn't know how. So we talked about the shape of the fish's body, and what shape the fins were, and then he took off. I LOVED seeing that Pace noticed the scales, and figured out how to draw them!
Max loves spinning and making himself dizzy. "Mommy, why is the floor moving?! Again!"
Pace whipped out his "name train"--Papa and Ninnie got this for him when he was first born and now he loves putting it together and spelling his name.
We also got the first "World Traveler Packet" from Bishka. Bishka is sending the boys on a geography adventure around the world, one country at a time. Scotland is the first country, and we had a quick physical geography lesson about the highlands, lowlands, and lochs. The boys did a great job playing the matching game--trying to figure out where the pictures might go on the map.
And the basement continues--tile work going in.
Still getting early morning runs in--it's gotten a little chilly in the mornings, in the teens, and snowy, and the past few days thick, thick fog. I get so bundles up that I'm usually too warm on my runs!
Ok, so now on the the work story.
I guess you might call this a mid-life crisis? I guess I've been feeling like if we aren't getting pregnant, it must mean it's time to move on, and go back to work. Probably just a timeline expectation I put on myself, because no one has looked at me and said, "Well, your kids aren't babies anymore, time to go back to work!" So maybe it's because I don't have a baby in my arms? Maybe it's because I'm someone who needs to be moving forward, progressing, doing something that makes me feel like I'm not stagnant. Anyway, whatever the psychology behind it, I thought a while about my long-term goal: going back and doing pre-reqs to apply to PA School, or going back to work to get chummy with some doctors so they can write me letters of recommendation. I instantly felt unsettled about going back to school right now, it would be too much of a commitment. But I did figure I could handle a very part-time position at an Urgent Care or After-Hours clinic, a couple nights a week, a couple Saturdays a month, no big deal.
The process happened so fast, I applied for a job online, I got an interview the next day, and was offered the position 2-3 days after that. I think I should have learned by now if something happens that fast, it isn't for me. I've learned I take a while to do things in life, take some time to think things over, feel how it feels on my shoulders. Anyway, when I was offered the position, I asked for the weekend to think things over. I lined things up over the weekend, found babysitters A, B and C to fill in the couple of hours between when I had to leave and David would get home, lined up the boys going to neighbors houses during the mandatory 3-day training. I saw so many great friends step up and willingly offer help.
I very quickly learned--during the very first shift--that was not where I was supposed to be. It hit me like a ton of bricks: Even if we don't get pregnant, it isn't time to move on. I have a full-time job at home, which I love, and I'm not done with that yet. I feel very fortunate to have the option to not be done at home. So I emailed my supervisor right away, and I felt kind of schmucky doing it after just 3 shifts, but when you know you know. I felt so committed and devoted to my family.
There are so many things to consider. All the "hidden costs", as my mom called them--all the things you don't initially take into account, or if you do, you think you'll be able to handle them. A few of my thoughts: It's only a few hours during the week, and a shift on the weekend when David will be home, no big deal, right?! I could help put a few more payments toward something, or jumpstart my professional goals, etc. etc. Then I encountered the stress of lining up sitters, then the stress of finding a sitter on a night when our Ward does everything--mutual, scouts, activity girls, etc., then the stress of making sure everything is done lickety-split exactly on time, starting dinner at 2 so there will be enough time to eat and get everything ready for the sitter, and squishing our normal routine into just a few hours because everything gets pushed up from having to leave for a night shift, and missing little things, because everything is squished and rushed and you're focused on getting every detail ready, and then realizing David just paid the sitter 1/3 of what I made that shift, and realizing this job was actually a step backwards, not forwards for my professional goal. There were simply things I wasn't ready or willing to sacrifice, and there's no reason to sacrifice them yet. My boys are my everything, they need me first. That's everything that ran through my mind the night I knew I was going to email my supervisor in the morning and quit.
David also helped me narrow down my feelings--it wasn't that the job was hard, or overwhelming, or I couldn't handle things at home. I'm sure things would have worked out just fine. But my very intense feeling of "I don't belong here" when I was at the office David assessed as my inner self saying, "You have 10 year's MA experience, and you taught as an MA Instructor; that resume is full. This job is not moving you forward, it's moving you backwards. It's time to retool, go back to school, take the pre-reqs, and work on moving forward to PA School." I think he's right. I know that time will come, but right now my job isn't finished where I am, and I'm happy here.
Enough philosphizing! Back to being a stay-at-home mama!
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