What Was Lost

David played the "Who's Your Favorite?" Game the other night:  

"Hey, boys, who do you like best, me or mommy?"  

"Mommy!"  They simultaneously said pointing at me and grinning shyly.  

"But who buys you toys?"  

"You do."

"Who takes you out on adventures?"

"You do."

"Who builds domino blocks and magnet space ships and plays with you?"

"You do."

"And who's your favorite?"

"Mommy."

I decided to enter the game, too, thinking I might help turn the tides if I list all the things I *make* them do, "But who makes you practice your reading and writing and do Upstart and workbooks and help me scrub the toilets and tubs and drink your smoothies and eat real food?"  

"You do."

"So who's your favorite?"

"You are."

Both boys immediately crawled not just over to me, but on top of me, petting me, snuggling with me, and nestling into every nook and cranny my arms and lap could offer, wordlessly declaring their allegiance and undying love.  And a billion thoughts washed over my mind and heart as I laid there, holding my boys in my arms.

I recently tried going back to work part-time.  I had what I thought was a very acceptable list justifying my reasons for going back to work:  Professional goals; Staying current with my medical skill set; Contributing financially to the budget; Finding personal and professional fulfillment in something other than doing dishes every day.  I'm pretty sure any stay-at-home mama at one point or another has felt under-appreciated, used, unsure, numb, or maybe like they deserved more than what the banality of the daily routine has to offer.

After my first shift, I knew I was in the wrong place.  I didn't quit because it was too hard, or I wasn't smart enough, or I felt intimidated, or felt guilty, or I'm lazy, or because it's easier to be at home.  

I want my family to know I quit because I see now that

When I make my boys sit down and read and write, I'm really saying 

 Look how much stronger you become when you practice something.

When I make my boys do chores, I'm really saying

Do you notice how different you feel inside when our home is clean?

When they help me in the kitchen, my little sous chefs, I'm really saying

You are capable and smart 

When I read books to them, I'm really saying

This is time well spent, and you are worth every second of my time

When we stick to our daily routine, I'm really saying

This is how you learn discipline and focus and attention to detail

When I don't yell or lose my patience, and instead listen to their side, I'm really saying

I am here to help you navigate those sometimes un-navigable things called emotions--they are deep and wide and sometimes scary, but they are worth it 

When I lay on the floor at night and hold my son's hand while he's falling asleep, I'm really saying

I am not going anywhere; you are safe with me

When they wake up in the morning and the first thing they run to is me, they're really saying

I am so glad you are still here because I need you to keep me safe

When they say, "Watch this, mom!", they're really saying

 You are my constant and give me confidence and a sure foundation

When they run to my side because Daddy is the monster chasing them, they're really saying

I know you are my home base in this crazy world, and you will always make me feel protected from what's out there 

We are saying these things full-time, and I was simply not ready to sacrifice or compromise that relationship.  Every day I stay home with them and do our "normal routine" I am really saying

My husband is worth it

My children are worth it

My home is worth it

I am worth it