My entire life experience merged on this question yesterday, "Is it possible for me to ask my wife, Michal, to put on makeup before going out in public without sounding like a chauvanistic jerk?"
A few years ago the week after Thanksgiving was especially bad at UPS. We were really blindsided by an almost incomprehensible number of parcels. By the end of the week my coworkers and I were tired, angry, and altogether spent. When my wife heard how bad things were she took it upon herself to make the week a little brighter. So she made cinnamon rolls. A lot of cinnamon rolls. Homemade delicious beautiful cinnamon rolls from scratch for a hundred UPS Drivers. The baked treat filled more than the driver's stomachs that year, it nourished their spirits. Several drivers came up to me and, nearly in tears, offered their thanks. Since then the rolls have been a tradition.
This year I suggested that for the first time my wife and kids help serve the rolls. Mostly, I thought it would be a good experience for my sons to come and help serve a group of people during the Christmas season. Secondly, I wanted to show off the Beautiful Chef that had conjured the confections.
The night before I made my plan on how I would take as much off my wife's to do list so she would have time and stress fuel (is that a term? it should be) to look nice for the cinnamon roll presentation. The morning started off as I had planned. I made the kids breakfast and Michal got in the shower. I thought, "Sweet! She's getting a shower, halfway there!" Next step, her hair. So I said, "If I get the kids ready will you do your hair?" A sly move, I know. But it worked and she began doing her hair. Little did I realize a fashion faux pas firestorm was about to ignite.
Her clothes started off ok. She slipped into a pair of blue jeans that are both modest and manage to compliment her shape well. As I nervously watched on I was still hoping for the best. Then the firestorm was ignited with a 'No prob-llama' t-shirt. I love a graphic t-shirt as much as the next guy but there's a time and a place. Michal bought the t-shirt at Journey's and she thinks it's hilarious. I also appreciate Journey's t-shirts. My favorite is one that says, 'tattooed and employed'. I almost bought it then remembered I don't have a tattoo. And after further consideration it seemed like not the best idea to get a tattoo for the sole reason of making a funny t-shirt work. However, she really likes the shirt and the cut does flatter her figure so it wasn't complete disaster, yet.
I was busily loading the car with the cinnamon rolls, taking care of the kids, getting myself ready, and worriedly keeping my eye on Michal's progress when it happened. She went for her hat. What magical powers do women think hats have? Women act like donning a hat grants the same effect as Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. As long as a woman is wearing a hat she thinks there is no beauty blunder that won't be overlooked. And she had just done her hair! What was she thinking? She was riding a no prob-llama to a makeup free oasis with her safari hat firmly in place. But instead of crystal water and coconuts there would be package cars and cinnamon rolls. And instead of palm trees there would be over a hundred of my coworkers looking on. Once she put on a hat I knew the moment I must intervene had come and I asked, "Are you going to wear makeup?"
Boom. Bomb dropped.
Michal's laser guided missile defense sprung into action and she said, "So you're saying I'm not pretty without makeup?"
Keep calm. Think. Smile. Breath. It's going to be, OK. Breath again. Smile again. ThinK. There has to be a way out. THINK.
I asked, "Do you remember the episode of Modern Family we just watched?" I continued, "Remember how Gloria went to that restaurant in sweat pants and no make up?" She replied, "Yeah? Remember the whole point she was trying to make? That Jay had given up and never dressed nicely for her when they went out somewhere?! I made the cinnamon rolls; I created the event; I can dress however I want to!" I don't think she realizes that she was being Jay in our scenario...After quibbling over the Jay-Gloria storyline, my gentle requests did get through (to some degree) and I heard from the other room, "Fine. I have make up on. Can I put my hat back on now?"
Michal had gone to great lengths to make sure this group of drivers knew they were loved and appreciated for how hard they work. This year she had every excuse not to make the rolls. We literally do not have counter space to roll out dough. She had to roll the dough out on the only solid surface in the entire apartment, the top of a mobile dishwasher. We desperately need to save money for our new house but this tradition was not something she was willing to compromise even though the ingredients are prime cinnamon roll ingredients, no skimping--cream cheese frosting and all. She's taken on a new and demanding calling at church and has spent hours working everyday and had a large event to conduct the next day. My hours had grown and so she was basically functioning solo taking care of the kids all week. She literally had every excuse not to make cinnamon rolls for the UPS drivers this year.
I ride my bike to work and it won't fit on our car so by the time I arrived she and some of my coworkers had already setup all the tables and cinnamon rolls. My sons thoroughly were enjoying watching all the boxes on the conveyor belts and Max was in awe of the awesome number of "daddy trucks". A couple days before I asked the Center Manager (my bosses boss) if he had any requests for how we served the cinnamon rolls. He jokingly asked, "I like mine with raisins." To his amazement Michal had indeed made a single roll with raisins. He walked up to me with a goofy grin on his face and said, "she made me one with raisins". I replied, "I know." Then I expected him to say, "That sure was nice", or maybe, "thank you". But he didn't say anything else. He just walked off
with his special roll and his goofy grin. That's when Christmas came into the building.
While serving the rolls driver after driver came up and asked, "why did you make these for us?" She always replied with a radiant smile, "We believe in Christmas." As she worked serving my coworkers cinnamon rolls she brought warmth and was a delight to everyone she met. During the morning meeting she came and stood right by me. My beautiful wonderful wife stood right by me.
The Holidays have a nasty way of beating any cheer out of me. I work so hard and such long hours that by the end I'm functioning in a low survival mode. I've had years past where by the time December 25 comes all that's left is fatigue and anger. People will cheerfully ask me, "Do you feel like Santa Claus?" Santa is celebrated, magical, and receives cookies. All UPS guys get is bad press, 14hrs a day, and worn out bodies. So I reply, "No, I do not feel like Santa Claus. I feel like an overworked reindeer and not that showboat Rudolph. I feel like that reindeer no one remembers. I feel like Donner." However, this year my stunningly beautiful talented wife brought much more than cinnamon rolls to a group of overworked delivery guys. She delivered the spirit of Christmas.
A few years ago the week after Thanksgiving was especially bad at UPS. We were really blindsided by an almost incomprehensible number of parcels. By the end of the week my coworkers and I were tired, angry, and altogether spent. When my wife heard how bad things were she took it upon herself to make the week a little brighter. So she made cinnamon rolls. A lot of cinnamon rolls. Homemade delicious beautiful cinnamon rolls from scratch for a hundred UPS Drivers. The baked treat filled more than the driver's stomachs that year, it nourished their spirits. Several drivers came up to me and, nearly in tears, offered their thanks. Since then the rolls have been a tradition.
This year I suggested that for the first time my wife and kids help serve the rolls. Mostly, I thought it would be a good experience for my sons to come and help serve a group of people during the Christmas season. Secondly, I wanted to show off the Beautiful Chef that had conjured the confections.
The night before I made my plan on how I would take as much off my wife's to do list so she would have time and stress fuel (is that a term? it should be) to look nice for the cinnamon roll presentation. The morning started off as I had planned. I made the kids breakfast and Michal got in the shower. I thought, "Sweet! She's getting a shower, halfway there!" Next step, her hair. So I said, "If I get the kids ready will you do your hair?" A sly move, I know. But it worked and she began doing her hair. Little did I realize a fashion faux pas firestorm was about to ignite.
Her clothes started off ok. She slipped into a pair of blue jeans that are both modest and manage to compliment her shape well. As I nervously watched on I was still hoping for the best. Then the firestorm was ignited with a 'No prob-llama' t-shirt. I love a graphic t-shirt as much as the next guy but there's a time and a place. Michal bought the t-shirt at Journey's and she thinks it's hilarious. I also appreciate Journey's t-shirts. My favorite is one that says, 'tattooed and employed'. I almost bought it then remembered I don't have a tattoo. And after further consideration it seemed like not the best idea to get a tattoo for the sole reason of making a funny t-shirt work. However, she really likes the shirt and the cut does flatter her figure so it wasn't complete disaster, yet.I was busily loading the car with the cinnamon rolls, taking care of the kids, getting myself ready, and worriedly keeping my eye on Michal's progress when it happened. She went for her hat. What magical powers do women think hats have? Women act like donning a hat grants the same effect as Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. As long as a woman is wearing a hat she thinks there is no beauty blunder that won't be overlooked. And she had just done her hair! What was she thinking? She was riding a no prob-llama to a makeup free oasis with her safari hat firmly in place. But instead of crystal water and coconuts there would be package cars and cinnamon rolls. And instead of palm trees there would be over a hundred of my coworkers looking on. Once she put on a hat I knew the moment I must intervene had come and I asked, "Are you going to wear makeup?"
Boom. Bomb dropped.
Michal's laser guided missile defense sprung into action and she said, "So you're saying I'm not pretty without makeup?"
I asked, "Do you remember the episode of Modern Family we just watched?" I continued, "Remember how Gloria went to that restaurant in sweat pants and no make up?" She replied, "Yeah? Remember the whole point she was trying to make? That Jay had given up and never dressed nicely for her when they went out somewhere?! I made the cinnamon rolls; I created the event; I can dress however I want to!" I don't think she realizes that she was being Jay in our scenario...After quibbling over the Jay-Gloria storyline, my gentle requests did get through (to some degree) and I heard from the other room, "Fine. I have make up on. Can I put my hat back on now?"
Michal had gone to great lengths to make sure this group of drivers knew they were loved and appreciated for how hard they work. This year she had every excuse not to make the rolls. We literally do not have counter space to roll out dough. She had to roll the dough out on the only solid surface in the entire apartment, the top of a mobile dishwasher. We desperately need to save money for our new house but this tradition was not something she was willing to compromise even though the ingredients are prime cinnamon roll ingredients, no skimping--cream cheese frosting and all. She's taken on a new and demanding calling at church and has spent hours working everyday and had a large event to conduct the next day. My hours had grown and so she was basically functioning solo taking care of the kids all week. She literally had every excuse not to make cinnamon rolls for the UPS drivers this year.I ride my bike to work and it won't fit on our car so by the time I arrived she and some of my coworkers had already setup all the tables and cinnamon rolls. My sons thoroughly were enjoying watching all the boxes on the conveyor belts and Max was in awe of the awesome number of "daddy trucks". A couple days before I asked the Center Manager (my bosses boss) if he had any requests for how we served the cinnamon rolls. He jokingly asked, "I like mine with raisins." To his amazement Michal had indeed made a single roll with raisins. He walked up to me with a goofy grin on his face and said, "she made me one with raisins". I replied, "I know." Then I expected him to say, "That sure was nice", or maybe, "thank you". But he didn't say anything else. He just walked offwith his special roll and his goofy grin. That's when Christmas came into the building.
While serving the rolls driver after driver came up and asked, "why did you make these for us?" She always replied with a radiant smile, "We believe in Christmas." As she worked serving my coworkers cinnamon rolls she brought warmth and was a delight to everyone she met. During the morning meeting she came and stood right by me. My beautiful wonderful wife stood right by me.
The Holidays have a nasty way of beating any cheer out of me. I work so hard and such long hours that by the end I'm functioning in a low survival mode. I've had years past where by the time December 25 comes all that's left is fatigue and anger. People will cheerfully ask me, "Do you feel like Santa Claus?" Santa is celebrated, magical, and receives cookies. All UPS guys get is bad press, 14hrs a day, and worn out bodies. So I reply, "No, I do not feel like Santa Claus. I feel like an overworked reindeer and not that showboat Rudolph. I feel like that reindeer no one remembers. I feel like Donner." However, this year my stunningly beautiful talented wife brought much more than cinnamon rolls to a group of overworked delivery guys. She delivered the spirit of Christmas.
all i have to say is:
1. i had no idea my showering was part of david's "master plan", as i had set my alarm to get up early for that express purpose (and david was still in bed when i got in the shower...)...
2. i will remember from now on when david offers to split tasks, he has an ulterior motive. i will especially have to remember to dangle an "ulterior motive carrot" on sundays when i set my alarm to wake up and get ready before everyone else so the rest of the day can run smoothly; when i am getting myself and two boys ready for church by myself; when i wake david up from a pre-church nap at 1230 so we can all make it there on time...
3. i didn't "DO" my hair. as any girl knows, "doing" hair requires a hair dryer, brushes, straightening iron or curling iron (depending on the amount of time you have to get ready), and special products to make your hair look awesome. i knew we had limited time that morning, so all i did was blow-dry my hair. i didn't even use a brush. hence the hat.
4. i suffer form the curse of the blondes. without makeup, i look washed out and dead. with makeup, i look like a normal person. and it isn't like i wear a lot of makeup, either! my makeup routine takes me literally 50 seconds, maybe 65 tops. it definitely doesn't turn me into a drop-dead gorgeous knock-out, that's for sure!--it just makes me look normal.
5. i totally believe in the hat-is-a-harry-potter-invisibility-cloak theory. so i wear a hat a lot, with or without makeup.
6. if you will notice, in the photoshopped david-gloria-michal-jay photo, i have showered, "done" my hair, have make up on, and david has neither shaved nor showered in x amount of days. just saying.
7. the first time we walked into this apartment, i noticed the hook-up portable dishwasher and thought, "awesome. i can roll out my cinnamon rolls on that!" i have never even hooked up that darn thing for dishes. knowing my luck, it'll leak and flood the apartment below us. if i can do the dishes by hand in 15-20 minutes, i figure i'm good--i'm getting my money's worth using it as my cinnamon roll and bread station.
8. and yes, we do believe in christmas. and yes, i do love that shirt. what? 120 cinnamon rolls due by tomorrow? no prob-llama!
2 comments:
I hear you on the blonde problem! Everytime I don't wear make up I get asked if I'm sick or not feeling well. No, this is just my face! Thus, it is a rare occasion that I don't have mascara at least on!
Once again, done beautifully, by a beauty! You are amazing!
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