the "stand-in"

i was hired at utah valley pediatrics 2 years ago as the "after-hours nurse." there are 7 drs in the on-call group, 4 of which are from the office i am employed at. so when any of those 4 are on-call, i work the clinic shift with them. during the day, each dr normally has 2 nurses that work with him or her. i was offered a full-time position over the summer to work with a dr. who only had one nurse. so i rearranged my school schedule so i could work full-time. about 4 wks ago, the office announced they were going to a 1.5nurse/dr. ratio...they wanted to have me be the "stand-in" for the main nurse if she went on vacation, got sick, etc.

the result: i've had a lot of time at home the past couple of weeks. i've been a little nostalgic and i've been going through all my journals and old high school things my mom mailed out to me. high school was such an odd time--i am sure everyone will agree with me. "stand-ins" in high school were not allowed...can you picture a cheerleader saying, "omg, ashley's sick! like, michal, can you stand in for her today and like, um, hang out with us?" i don't think so. things were so very defined and labeled! you had to belong somewhere and belong there with intensity!

so, in looking back over my journals and high school memories...i was a heavy-duty aesthetic artist wanna-be!! one side of me is looking back and laughing at how emotionally intense i believed everything to be. the other side of me feels a little...the word is better put in portuguese--saudade (pronounced sow-dah-gee). the best translation would be nostalgia, but the word in english doesn't quite give the whole gut feeling of the word in portuguese. anyway, the older i've gotten, and the more concrete i've become in myself, the more logistic and analytical i've become...somewhat utilitarian, grounded. i sort of miss that side of me that was so intensely dedicated to reserving one day a week as my "art day," or carrying a spare notebook in my back pocket to write poetry, or drinking in a post-impressionist painting and feeling its influence in my own work. i am much more interested in non-fiction, health issues, and life maps. so are we just stand-ins during different points in our own lives, until we are (as my mom calls it) crystallized?
(from a poetry notebook my senior year):

what if i were a van gogh

what if i were a van gogh
and
had a million different
repetitions lines staccato blanks
and
shreds pieces patches
quilted, intertwined sewn
and
expanded stretched taut sallied
from
ingenious strokes laid
without much thought
fitting defining resting
without much foe
a million different
shades and stains and
stains and sallows and
sallows and shards
charcoaled and unbelievably
stark